WHATS WITH THE MANY THEFTS??

Thefts have been more rampant lately in my neighbourhood. Are Kayihura’s boys sleeping?? First we had someone sneaking into our offices, the boss’ office particularly and making off with his laptop computer. It had very many relevant documents. If he is reading this I will have him know that I feel so bad that such a thing had to happen to him. Am sure there are others more deserving of such an act of depravity than him. Then one of my very close friends, Chris, after helping another friend with some software installations at the friends place, left, forgetting his phone behind, and it was taken. The friend whom he had visited had no idea how such a thing had happened. Chris, if you are reading this, I am also very sad that it happened to you, I know what that bad boy meant to you. The things you did with him, they could build a nation. Not the kind of things funny funny kids of this day use their phones for, like excessive selfies, and unproductive social media. That guy was like a work companion to you. I hope the data is at least retrieved. Whoever did this, may lightning strike you down.

I am still mourning the losses incurred by my boss, and my good friend, and the mourning is interrupted with another peculiar theft in my neighbourhood.  Someone was robbed before his eyes and he could do nothing about it, so this gentleman leaves his home for a normal work day as usual, let’s call this chap tony. Tony is a friendly guy, talks to everyone, greets when he has the chance, and wastes no opportunity in wishing you a goodnight if he bumped into you in the night.  He works late, and is walking the hill that leads to his place. He meets a group of three men, ok, one in the party was about seventeen, but he carried a gas cylinder of 16kgs, so he is a man. They carried a box like side board, a fan, among other things that their hands could hold.  Tony, being the charming guy, greets them, off course he could not make out their faces, and asks, ‘eh, nga mwe mu ssengukka kiiro’ Meaning, ‘as you guys are shifting in the night. These guys simply said, ‘anti emiriimo’ meaning that work had held them up the whole day and they had to shift in the night.

They move on to their different directions. Tony reaches home, it’s about nine thirty in the night. He finds his door shut, but the lock had been tampered with. He did not need the key to access the place. He opened the door, turns on the light. He clears his eyes, hoping he was wrong, but it was all before him. An empty house. All that was left was the set of saucepans in the kitchen, and the bed without a mattress or bedding. He is in shock, confused, startled. He screams out loud, some of his neighbours come to his place. It is hard to console a mature man, laughing and crying, or screaming you know.

Tony had met the thieves that took his things. He kept saying ‘nabalabye, nbalabye,’ meaning, ‘I saw them, I saw them’ laughing at the irony himself and yet in evident pain from his loss. Turns out that the three guys he had met were his assailants. He had greeted the men that were shifting. All he did not realise was that they were shifting with his things, not theirs.  The fact that he had even met these guys brewed mixed sentiment in me. I knew not whether to feel sad or treat this event as humour. So, I laughed at the irony of the situation, then sympathised.

THE UGLY

Hmm... oba you left them where??

A young lady walked into our office today. She is modestly gifted by nature. After she has done her bidding, she is leaving, and one of my colleagues asks her, ‘why did you leave your behinds at home’ it’s that question that got my attention so I look in the direction of this mooting conversation.

‘What?’ she asks looking confused.

‘Your bums, you came without them’ he said with an evil smile on his face.

bwahahahahahahhaha

 I died! (By that I mean laughter got me off my chair to the floor, as I gasped, tossed, jerked all in uncontrolled laughter.) You know it seemed like her but was wearable and she had deliberately taken it off for the day, remaining with nothing but a deeply amusing flatness at her back.

Interestingly, the girl laughed too as she walked out saying, ‘nice one… I will get you too later.’

I am wondering why guys are obsessed with backyards. I swear I never used to notice until this day. (Dan don’t give me that look, I am serious). I used to have unbiased hunting escapades. Anyway, we are heading off to the field to do some work, we sit in a taxi, and just across the road, and there is this overly endowed lady. She is like a self-contained RV, a two in one. I look at my colleague, and I am like ‘boss, I think you would prefer that one, (pointing in her direction), anti you said the other one had left her bums at home.’

You all know it is fasting time all over, and so, Muslims do not eat the whole day, but have quite a meal, or should we say meals when they break their fast in the evening.

‘ayaa, ooyoo anyuma, kusibulukukiira kko’

 So, he looks in the direction of this pumped lady, and almost suddenly exclaims, ‘ayaa, ooyoo anyuma, kusibulukukiira kko’ loosely translated, ‘ayaa, that would be a good one to break your fast on.’ Everyone in the taxi heard, and tacitly turned to look in the direction of the lady. The laughter was momentous. Through our journey people laughed.

In my little head I was confused. Was he for or against backyards, or was he just presented with both extremes today? The extra not there (small) and the extra there (endowed)?  If you ask my opinion, maybe the extra there would be better. I mean I would rather be suffocated than be with one who looks like a twelve year old boy…. Just saying.

 

Disclaimer: this is all fiction, no bearing to anything or anyone, but done for you to take a moment and laugh or be angry or judge me, or just shake your head… yes you… what are you thinking??

WHO SAID CHURCH GIRLS AIN'T NO FUN?????

WHO SAID CHURCH GIRLS AIN'T NO FUN??

Who said saved girls were no fun?? Well, maybe you will not meet them in clubs often, but these baes can sure wine what their mammas gave them.  You know how they play partition by Beyoncé in a club and all the girls are frantic, scream and run to dance as though they personally knew the beautiful sister to Solange Knowles, jay-z’s elevator assailant? Well, you should go to one of their churches on a good Sunday.

It’s a chilly Monday morning and I started off this day in a taxi with a lady giving out brochures for a fellowshipping thing that will be at theatre labonita on Thursdays starting sometime next month. A remainder of how my weekend had been.

One , Two ,Three, go

So, I am sitting on a white plastic chair, white tent over me, wind creeping in and out, and the sound of vehicles moving on the nearby road being no deterrent to the pastor. He goes on and on about the saving power of providence, God having plans for all, repenting, and fighting the devil inside us… things I agree to be true. Well, just when I thought it would not get any better than this, the church DJ or should I say music chairman throws in a personal favourite. Michelle William and Beyoncé’s famous ‘say yes’ this jam is not just a club banger, but a ‘church banger’ too.

You should have seen the reaction of the church girls. They screamed, jumped up, dropped their bibles on the seats,  rushed to the stage like to say ‘watch and see what we are capable of’ The stampede beat that of a heard of buffalos being pursued by lions.

It all belongs to you...

They shake to the electric intro bit, and the leader takes to miming....’when Jesus say yes, nobody can say no….’ and I don’t know if this is practiced, but the dancing is a hybrid of Nigerian music videos, American, and Ugandan. When Beyoncé starts the part of ‘ it all belongs to you…’ in the song, these baes point to their heads, then back to the crowd, then to the trunk, and the abdominal area, then on to the lover waist. They do that  skelewu like dance thing the hand work, footwork, structure coordination, huhhhh, and crown it with Mr Flavour’s trademark wine, then drop low, as they rise, each runs two fingers through their eyes, like saying, ‘ yes we see you’ My eyes wide open, jaws hang agape, delight writ all over mine eyes…

I did not have to wait for the bend over, it was inevitable. A little less shaky and less bendy… but as we all know, cut off a dogs tail, and he is no less a dog. A bend over is a bend over. Theirs was the acoustic version. Less poignant. But I assure you it was spell binding.

Beat that....

The girls sang in parts, word for word. Unlike these ‘our’ girls who don’t know their lyrics, these ones know their trade. Through the performance, the pastor watched intently, as if meditating each move, head shaking to all twists and turns. This was fundamental support. He enjoyed the show. The crowd too had fun. Everyone was up clapping and jumping and dancing and I must say I almost felt out of place, but after I had forced my stiff structure up and tried all my hideous moves, and no one was judging, it was a field day for me. Come on, I couldn’t have been the worst in the congregation.

The kid next to me left his mother’s side, did a little Lingala ankle clapping, an awilo jumbo... then a ‘back summer’... now this was art.

The whole crowd should get jiggy.... there is no tomorrow.

And as you all guessed, this is how the service ended. and don’t worry, the song was played a second time and the ushers got their baskets and moved around. You would be ashamed not to contribute the offertory. As the saying goes, a service is not a service without the offertory...the announcing guy kept saying ‘offertory time’ ‘offertory time’……

Come on Pastor, when Jesus says yes, Nobody can say no....

WEALTH.....

Just if u are wondering, I am not rich... I live in the average penury leval. No I do not know all that there is to know and neither do I have a right to speak of these things. I am nobody ..
 But yet again the constitution gives me right to speak... What I will say, trust me will be of more help to someone if it doesn't do any to you. There is that one person that will relate  with me....
It is for that category that I write. All I caution them is this... Pick the one thing u expect to work. And talk rationally about it later. I need feedback.

Most of these rich people are not quite as intelligent but for the command their wealth wraps them with. We are the informed ones... With the business acumen.... Why is it that so much wealth is in the hands of these individuals? This serves to show that It does not take much intelligence to get there. Its all about the perseverance.. Patience and continued resolve despite the odds. Too much study and intelligence makes one seem to know much and fail to decide what is good and relevant. And impatience wraps us.

Honestly I listen to some ideas given and I scoff. I have this moral pride that gives me the feeling of... 'If I was that rich... I would speak better be more knowledgeable and let my words and ideas command more than just the money and empires.' I think its fair to say that shrewdness and luck are good players in this game of wealth. Another is the economic situation and political situation at that time when they started.
Those guys don't watch as much business news as they say they do. They dont sleep as late as they say nor do they rise as early.  Some do... But not all of them. Especially in the aspect of reading.

The best advise is to start in the moment nurture your investment tenderly and wait for the way it grows. Another is spending much less that you earn... Be honest to yourself and have a vision... A particular one that is priority.
Work with those you trust and look out for niches.

Please yourself first and have clear cash flows. Not all advise is the best. Tailor what you hear to suite what you seek. It takes originality to break out of the cage of commons that we are all born to.
Like William Shakespeare said... Some are born lucky others have luck thrust upon then and the rest have to work and chase that luck.

Know who you are.... What your perception of money is and then take risk. And hope for the best.
I believe I can't exhaust half or even a drop in the ocean of what u need to succeed. But all I know is that tailoring what I see hear and feel to work for you... It should be encrypted in the DNA of this ocean. It goes all the way.

Godspeed all in the journey to your wealth .... I will start when I am ready. Still tailoring what I have felt...
 Wait... Did I say start now??....

Here is what experience has taught me; when dealing with any female, human or animal, terrestrial or extra-terrestrial, approach with extreme prejudice.

There is always a pre-set function in them that will expect you to understand what is not said or explicitly insinuated. But you just have to know! It should be a sort of intuitional or magical revelation.

That is just how they are. You don’t treat them ordinary. The tips that usually help loosen your hook could include the following:

·         Massage/ soothe their egos. Here you will need to compliment, respect them. Address them more than appropriately, don’t forget names, and important dates in their lives, like the date she fist had a pedicure with you, the day she first cooked for you, the day she gave you a certain nickname…. Etc. etc. never forget the trivial things on their anatomy that you think they think make them look good.

That is a gateway for you to close whatever deal it is that you aim to achieve depending on the situation. Most importantly, it does not get you out of trouble, but gets you out of mortal trouble.

If you don’t abide by this simple ego rule, you would be treated rudely, talked ill about…. You know what they end up doing……

Well, there is one word that would describe how to deal with them…. Try to act a Gentleman, even if your clan has never had one.

DISCLAIMER: THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO

ALL THAT YOU KNOW. SOME ARE ACTUALLY BATTLE HARDENED......

The Pearl

The Pearl.....

The sun is generous with its rays,

The wind is kind today

And peace oozes from all angles

The day is infant and gay

Birds wake with melody,

Sweet and soothing

Owls retire, but in agony

Indeed this beauty is something

The green rises and falls

It’s so visible from every vantage

Rivers wind and bend,

Whispering calmly to themselves

Indeed this place is magical

Its beauty and natural appeal uncorrupted

It is the Pearl Of Africa…

We realize the impact…

 

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