WHATS WITH THE MANY THEFTS??

Thefts have been more rampant lately in my neighbourhood. Are Kayihura’s boys sleeping?? First we had someone sneaking into our offices, the boss’ office particularly and making off with his laptop computer. It had very many relevant documents. If he is reading this I will have him know that I feel so bad that such a thing had to happen to him. Am sure there are others more deserving of such an act of depravity than him. Then one of my very close friends, Chris, after helping another friend with some software installations at the friends place, left, forgetting his phone behind, and it was taken. The friend whom he had visited had no idea how such a thing had happened. Chris, if you are reading this, I am also very sad that it happened to you, I know what that bad boy meant to you. The things you did with him, they could build a nation. Not the kind of things funny funny kids of this day use their phones for, like excessive selfies, and unproductive social media. That guy was like a work companion to you. I hope the data is at least retrieved. Whoever did this, may lightning strike you down.

I am still mourning the losses incurred by my boss, and my good friend, and the mourning is interrupted with another peculiar theft in my neighbourhood.  Someone was robbed before his eyes and he could do nothing about it, so this gentleman leaves his home for a normal work day as usual, let’s call this chap tony. Tony is a friendly guy, talks to everyone, greets when he has the chance, and wastes no opportunity in wishing you a goodnight if he bumped into you in the night.  He works late, and is walking the hill that leads to his place. He meets a group of three men, ok, one in the party was about seventeen, but he carried a gas cylinder of 16kgs, so he is a man. They carried a box like side board, a fan, among other things that their hands could hold.  Tony, being the charming guy, greets them, off course he could not make out their faces, and asks, ‘eh, nga mwe mu ssengukka kiiro’ Meaning, ‘as you guys are shifting in the night. These guys simply said, ‘anti emiriimo’ meaning that work had held them up the whole day and they had to shift in the night.

They move on to their different directions. Tony reaches home, it’s about nine thirty in the night. He finds his door shut, but the lock had been tampered with. He did not need the key to access the place. He opened the door, turns on the light. He clears his eyes, hoping he was wrong, but it was all before him. An empty house. All that was left was the set of saucepans in the kitchen, and the bed without a mattress or bedding. He is in shock, confused, startled. He screams out loud, some of his neighbours come to his place. It is hard to console a mature man, laughing and crying, or screaming you know.

Tony had met the thieves that took his things. He kept saying ‘nabalabye, nbalabye,’ meaning, ‘I saw them, I saw them’ laughing at the irony himself and yet in evident pain from his loss. Turns out that the three guys he had met were his assailants. He had greeted the men that were shifting. All he did not realise was that they were shifting with his things, not theirs.  The fact that he had even met these guys brewed mixed sentiment in me. I knew not whether to feel sad or treat this event as humour. So, I laughed at the irony of the situation, then sympathised.

THE UGLY

Hmm... oba you left them where??

A young lady walked into our office today. She is modestly gifted by nature. After she has done her bidding, she is leaving, and one of my colleagues asks her, ‘why did you leave your behinds at home’ it’s that question that got my attention so I look in the direction of this mooting conversation.

‘What?’ she asks looking confused.

‘Your bums, you came without them’ he said with an evil smile on his face.

bwahahahahahahhaha

 I died! (By that I mean laughter got me off my chair to the floor, as I gasped, tossed, jerked all in uncontrolled laughter.) You know it seemed like her but was wearable and she had deliberately taken it off for the day, remaining with nothing but a deeply amusing flatness at her back.

Interestingly, the girl laughed too as she walked out saying, ‘nice one… I will get you too later.’

I am wondering why guys are obsessed with backyards. I swear I never used to notice until this day. (Dan don’t give me that look, I am serious). I used to have unbiased hunting escapades. Anyway, we are heading off to the field to do some work, we sit in a taxi, and just across the road, and there is this overly endowed lady. She is like a self-contained RV, a two in one. I look at my colleague, and I am like ‘boss, I think you would prefer that one, (pointing in her direction), anti you said the other one had left her bums at home.’

You all know it is fasting time all over, and so, Muslims do not eat the whole day, but have quite a meal, or should we say meals when they break their fast in the evening.

‘ayaa, ooyoo anyuma, kusibulukukiira kko’

 So, he looks in the direction of this pumped lady, and almost suddenly exclaims, ‘ayaa, ooyoo anyuma, kusibulukukiira kko’ loosely translated, ‘ayaa, that would be a good one to break your fast on.’ Everyone in the taxi heard, and tacitly turned to look in the direction of the lady. The laughter was momentous. Through our journey people laughed.

In my little head I was confused. Was he for or against backyards, or was he just presented with both extremes today? The extra not there (small) and the extra there (endowed)?  If you ask my opinion, maybe the extra there would be better. I mean I would rather be suffocated than be with one who looks like a twelve year old boy…. Just saying.

 

Disclaimer: this is all fiction, no bearing to anything or anyone, but done for you to take a moment and laugh or be angry or judge me, or just shake your head… yes you… what are you thinking??

WHO SAID CHURCH GIRLS AIN'T NO FUN?????

WHO SAID CHURCH GIRLS AIN'T NO FUN??

Who said saved girls were no fun?? Well, maybe you will not meet them in clubs often, but these baes can sure wine what their mammas gave them.  You know how they play partition by Beyoncé in a club and all the girls are frantic, scream and run to dance as though they personally knew the beautiful sister to Solange Knowles, jay-z’s elevator assailant? Well, you should go to one of their churches on a good Sunday.

It’s a chilly Monday morning and I started off this day in a taxi with a lady giving out brochures for a fellowshipping thing that will be at theatre labonita on Thursdays starting sometime next month. A remainder of how my weekend had been.

One , Two ,Three, go

So, I am sitting on a white plastic chair, white tent over me, wind creeping in and out, and the sound of vehicles moving on the nearby road being no deterrent to the pastor. He goes on and on about the saving power of providence, God having plans for all, repenting, and fighting the devil inside us… things I agree to be true. Well, just when I thought it would not get any better than this, the church DJ or should I say music chairman throws in a personal favourite. Michelle William and Beyoncé’s famous ‘say yes’ this jam is not just a club banger, but a ‘church banger’ too.

You should have seen the reaction of the church girls. They screamed, jumped up, dropped their bibles on the seats,  rushed to the stage like to say ‘watch and see what we are capable of’ The stampede beat that of a heard of buffalos being pursued by lions.

It all belongs to you...

They shake to the electric intro bit, and the leader takes to miming....’when Jesus say yes, nobody can say no….’ and I don’t know if this is practiced, but the dancing is a hybrid of Nigerian music videos, American, and Ugandan. When Beyoncé starts the part of ‘ it all belongs to you…’ in the song, these baes point to their heads, then back to the crowd, then to the trunk, and the abdominal area, then on to the lover waist. They do that  skelewu like dance thing the hand work, footwork, structure coordination, huhhhh, and crown it with Mr Flavour’s trademark wine, then drop low, as they rise, each runs two fingers through their eyes, like saying, ‘ yes we see you’ My eyes wide open, jaws hang agape, delight writ all over mine eyes…

I did not have to wait for the bend over, it was inevitable. A little less shaky and less bendy… but as we all know, cut off a dogs tail, and he is no less a dog. A bend over is a bend over. Theirs was the acoustic version. Less poignant. But I assure you it was spell binding.

Beat that....

The girls sang in parts, word for word. Unlike these ‘our’ girls who don’t know their lyrics, these ones know their trade. Through the performance, the pastor watched intently, as if meditating each move, head shaking to all twists and turns. This was fundamental support. He enjoyed the show. The crowd too had fun. Everyone was up clapping and jumping and dancing and I must say I almost felt out of place, but after I had forced my stiff structure up and tried all my hideous moves, and no one was judging, it was a field day for me. Come on, I couldn’t have been the worst in the congregation.

The kid next to me left his mother’s side, did a little Lingala ankle clapping, an awilo jumbo... then a ‘back summer’... now this was art.

The whole crowd should get jiggy.... there is no tomorrow.

And as you all guessed, this is how the service ended. and don’t worry, the song was played a second time and the ushers got their baskets and moved around. You would be ashamed not to contribute the offertory. As the saying goes, a service is not a service without the offertory...the announcing guy kept saying ‘offertory time’ ‘offertory time’……

Come on Pastor, when Jesus says yes, Nobody can say no....