There is that moment in life when you have a bad feeling
about yourself, and yet you cannot exactly place a finger on the source of this
sentiment. The problems that there are in your life can definitely not be the
source of this because those have always been there and you have quite
developed a code that helps you live with them in a co existent harmony. It is bizarre how one incident in the day can
be a great contributor to a vacuum and thirst in the heart and soul that you
can’t quite figure out how to fill. The worst part is that you are unable to
source this moment. Sometimes I think it is the way our subconscious reacts to
our action excesses in our lives especially when we can’t realize them or be
able to act otherwise and avert this event.
This may seem like an empty rant that makes hardly any sense
to anyone who has not experienced this before, but for those who have, it is
more like a Déjà vu . You want to make the situation right
and yet you know not what it is… well, on the brighter side though, it
eventually fades and normality kicks in again, until there is another
inexplicable incident that has a way of merging with the previous one and then
the accumulated sentiment could overwhelm your conscience. It becomes a whole
lot easier when you have someone to talk to and they are willing to listen to
your rant. This venting out usually helps one feel better and the steam
eventually cools of and you feel so relieved and whole again.
I try listening to music with the piercing and soothing sound
of the saxophone. Sometimes it helps me feel better although some other times,
it is just a contributor to a higher sorrow. It could work to rub that darkness
that you possess into your face, and then the episode of guilt goes on. It
could be a past or present event that gives rise to this, but for one to be
sure, you have to have a real moment of reflection , and through that, you may
end up having the ability to go through that
journal of your life and maybe find that
one thing that subconsciously breeds the dissatisfaction that you have in your
life and then you can find a way to live
with it or even evaluate it and then go on with a resolve of a better
life then you can feel a whole lot
better about your life and yourself. It is a gradual healing.
Next is prayer. There are times
when the concept of prayer in itself is enough to make one feel healed and
better. If there is a genuine intention to communicate with a higher being, one
can feel a whole lot better. From my
perspective, the genuine intent for prayer is a high prayer in itself. Not that
it is as good as a genuine prayer itself, but I feel it is close. It is better
than a prayer not well intentioned or that without real solemnity in it.
Well, on that day, I did not just leave my feeling to the
comfort of the prospect of prayer. Luckily, it was Ash Wednesday. A day that
marked the beginning of the Lenten period in the catholic calendar. Attending
mass that morning was something that was unequaled. I actually was absolutely
healed from this bad feeling about myself and then a ray of optimism was also
peeking through my heart. It later became a nice day for me.
This basically leads to the conclusion that life indeed can
and always offers the rarest of banquets to humanity. For one to say that there
isn’t even a trace of sentiment in them is a delusional way of seeking
comfort. And it often does not last long
enough. It’s like a mirage; it is a continuous hope for that peak of perfection
that seems to keep moving as long as you remain in that desert of reality.
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